Beloved.

When I was eight years old, I wanted to be a super model.

No kidding. I shared that dream with my two other playmates. We usually spent afternoons dressing up and modeling in front of the mirror. Our catwalk was the aisle between the bed and the wall and our center stage was the window seat.

That was my young heart's dream. And that time, I believed with all my heart that I was the most beautiful girl and I will be a supermodel.

But after moving to another house and leaving my two playmates, that dream started to fade away...until totally forgotten.

After moving to our new house, just 3 streets away from the old, my life changed drastically. (Of course, from a eight-year-old point of view.) I didn't have playmates who wanted to be a supermodel. They all wanted to do traps to kill the boys. The girls in the neighborhood hated the boys so much that they usually spent the afternoon planning traps for the boys.

I stopped dreaming to be a supermodel, instead I became one tough girl who fights with the bad boys.

But still I wanted to be a model...to feel beautiful.

In between that young girl's dream and today came a whirlwind of good and bad experiences that made me forget that I wanted to be a model and worse, that I am beautiful.

I had experiences that pierced some arrows in my heart, some are easy to take out but others are deeply rooted. It wounded my femininity.

I thought that I would protect my heart if I'll be boyish and carefree. And today, I found my heart, walled, protected and hard.

***

Lately, God has been pursuing me... He wants to win my heart. He wants to be the lover of my soul. He wants to penetrate the deepest part of my heart.

I was stunned when I first realized that God was pursuing me...

First, I am not used to God as my Lover. He is my Master. He is my Friend. He is my Lord. But to be my Lover? How?

"I slept but my heart was awake,
Listen! My lover is knocking:
'Open to me, my sister, my darling,
my dove, my flawless one..."
-Beloved,Song of Songs 5:2

I've never been involved in a serious relationship, although I've experienced to be courted...but I've protected myself from these things long ago, cause I don't want to be hurt.

And allowing God to be my Lover means making myself, my heart in particular, to be vulnerable...

He's pursuing me! Knocking at my heart. He wants me....

That's overwhelming to know. And even more overwhelming to feel and see how He's making me feel special and beautiful.

One time, I was jogging at the track oval, when I ask God to give me some sprinkles, I want to feel His love at that moment. I was looking at the sky when suddenly, I saw a beautiful fireworks that lasted for 3 minutes. It was awesome. It was beautiful. Just like His love. Awesome, wonderful and beautiful.

I am God's Beloved. I am His princess. His desire is for me.

God is restoring my heart. Healing me from my past wounds and taking away the fears I have in loving unconditionally.

Somehow, I realized that only in learning God's perfect Love will I be able to Love other people, perfectly and unconditionally.

And as for my 'Beauty' issue...it's now a thing of the past. I am putting an end to all the lies that the enemy has placed in my mind, distorting my self-esteem and how I perceive my self. I am beautiful and wonderfully made. =)

I am His Princess. An Heiress of His Great Kingdom!

As for now, I am a princess in disguise since I am still awaiting the return of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!

"Whatever comes, cannot alter one thing. If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. It would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in a cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it."
-Sara, A Little Princess

When the anesthesia is gone.

I want to cry. But I can't, I'm still in a public place. Maybe later, when I get home.

My heart is on the verge of bursting...It's as if the effect of anesthesia God injected a few months back is finished and now I have to feel the real situation again.

You know the feeling when you're under anesthesia? I once felt that when my dentist had to extract my tooth. I felt pain when it was injected but after it took effect I felt numb. I was aware that my dentist was doing something in my mouth. I can hear the scary tooth-extractor (I don't really know what it's called.)...I see her move. I know something is happening. But since I'm under anesthesia...and I was sitting still on the chair, I can't feel the pain, I can't feel the relief after the tooth was extracted...I can't feel anything.

But after awhile, one hour to be exact, the numbness was gone and I then I felt normal again.

That's how I am feeling right now. I'm feeling 'normal' again.

God spoke to me a few nights ago about something I thought was already finished because I sacrificed and broke the jar. I was assuming that since it was an 'expensive perfume'...all of my sacrifice had volatilized and joined the wind.

But god said, it's not yet finished.

His words were really striking. I jumped from one book to another, trying to move away from the topic...but believe it or not the more pages I turn the more revelation he gives. What is more surprising was ALL the verses are connected to each other. My heart raced, nervous and confused.

I was telling God, "Lord, I thought we're finished with this, I've given everything, right?"

Then He answered, "Give, and it will be given to you.( Luke 6:38)"

God gave me more verses that night, and I cried and poured out my heart.

The anesthesia was finished.

I know that God is on the move. he's doing something during the days I was under anesthesia. I wasn't reacting because God made me numb and put me in the 'okay mode'.

But now, I am feeling everything. And God knows how nervous I am to be in this situation. I am VERY nervous.

Yesterday, God comforted me with the stories of Abraham, Moses and David. He gave promises to these great men, but what comes in between the promise and fulfilment are reckless decisions and alot of manmade mess. But God's promises are real, and He will finish it. Whatever happens He will make a way to bring me to His promise.

Bcel had a vision two years ago while we were having our discipleship. She saw God painting my life and I was sitting quietly on His side and watching Him put colors on the canvas.

That is what i am planning to do. I will be watching God move His brush and paint my life in the next following days...weeks..years.=)

The excitement in me is building up. And the more I feel God's move, the tighter I hold His hands. We started this together and we will finish this together.

Taking the First Step.

Ive been praying to God on how I could evangelize in the office. I want to share the gospel, start a bible study and even disciple at least one officemate.

It's been three months since I started my work in DIC and still I have no output...spiritually. My BOSS upthere has been reminding me of my 'deadlines' and 'pending works'.

Yesterday, my immediate supervisor (Pastor Brent) met us and reminded us of the second coming of our BOSS. pastor didn't gave the exact date and time, but he said (a couple of times) that we should Keep Watch and Be Alert because the hour is near.

I know that sometimes, I feel lazy to work on the 'projects' and do the 'work' He has called me to do in my office. But yesterday's warning was a big wake up call for me. It was like getting a red alert status from the commander-in-chief.

So last night, while praying for my procedures to do the 'work'...a dusty 2x2 in cube caught my attention. I reached for it and opened the box. It was my 'EVANGECUBE'. A gift I got from one of my YWAM friends in college.

Then slowly I felt the Spirit speaking to my heart.

It is not enough to have a 'good testimony', or to let your 'light shine'... I must take the offensive moves...to speak and declare the good news of salvation...to my lab-mates, officemates and even to my manager.

They too need my sweet Saviour...and I have no right to withheld that blessing.

God is on the move and so must I...

This will be my birthday gift for myself...I don't like clothes or shoes or cellphone...I'd like to have one soul brought to Jesus on or before my birthday.

And that will make my 24th birthday joyful and meaningful...

Yes, it would be joyful...imagine..all the angels will be singing and dancing with me.=)