Beloved.

When I was eight years old, I wanted to be a super model.

No kidding. I shared that dream with my two other playmates. We usually spent afternoons dressing up and modeling in front of the mirror. Our catwalk was the aisle between the bed and the wall and our center stage was the window seat.

That was my young heart's dream. And that time, I believed with all my heart that I was the most beautiful girl and I will be a supermodel.

But after moving to another house and leaving my two playmates, that dream started to fade away...until totally forgotten.

After moving to our new house, just 3 streets away from the old, my life changed drastically. (Of course, from a eight-year-old point of view.) I didn't have playmates who wanted to be a supermodel. They all wanted to do traps to kill the boys. The girls in the neighborhood hated the boys so much that they usually spent the afternoon planning traps for the boys.

I stopped dreaming to be a supermodel, instead I became one tough girl who fights with the bad boys.

But still I wanted to be a model...to feel beautiful.

In between that young girl's dream and today came a whirlwind of good and bad experiences that made me forget that I wanted to be a model and worse, that I am beautiful.

I had experiences that pierced some arrows in my heart, some are easy to take out but others are deeply rooted. It wounded my femininity.

I thought that I would protect my heart if I'll be boyish and carefree. And today, I found my heart, walled, protected and hard.

***

Lately, God has been pursuing me... He wants to win my heart. He wants to be the lover of my soul. He wants to penetrate the deepest part of my heart.

I was stunned when I first realized that God was pursuing me...

First, I am not used to God as my Lover. He is my Master. He is my Friend. He is my Lord. But to be my Lover? How?

"I slept but my heart was awake,
Listen! My lover is knocking:
'Open to me, my sister, my darling,
my dove, my flawless one..."
-Beloved,Song of Songs 5:2

I've never been involved in a serious relationship, although I've experienced to be courted...but I've protected myself from these things long ago, cause I don't want to be hurt.

And allowing God to be my Lover means making myself, my heart in particular, to be vulnerable...

He's pursuing me! Knocking at my heart. He wants me....

That's overwhelming to know. And even more overwhelming to feel and see how He's making me feel special and beautiful.

One time, I was jogging at the track oval, when I ask God to give me some sprinkles, I want to feel His love at that moment. I was looking at the sky when suddenly, I saw a beautiful fireworks that lasted for 3 minutes. It was awesome. It was beautiful. Just like His love. Awesome, wonderful and beautiful.

I am God's Beloved. I am His princess. His desire is for me.

God is restoring my heart. Healing me from my past wounds and taking away the fears I have in loving unconditionally.

Somehow, I realized that only in learning God's perfect Love will I be able to Love other people, perfectly and unconditionally.

And as for my 'Beauty' issue...it's now a thing of the past. I am putting an end to all the lies that the enemy has placed in my mind, distorting my self-esteem and how I perceive my self. I am beautiful and wonderfully made. =)

I am His Princess. An Heiress of His Great Kingdom!

As for now, I am a princess in disguise since I am still awaiting the return of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!

"Whatever comes, cannot alter one thing. If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. It would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in a cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it."
-Sara, A Little Princess

When the anesthesia is gone.

I want to cry. But I can't, I'm still in a public place. Maybe later, when I get home.

My heart is on the verge of bursting...It's as if the effect of anesthesia God injected a few months back is finished and now I have to feel the real situation again.

You know the feeling when you're under anesthesia? I once felt that when my dentist had to extract my tooth. I felt pain when it was injected but after it took effect I felt numb. I was aware that my dentist was doing something in my mouth. I can hear the scary tooth-extractor (I don't really know what it's called.)...I see her move. I know something is happening. But since I'm under anesthesia...and I was sitting still on the chair, I can't feel the pain, I can't feel the relief after the tooth was extracted...I can't feel anything.

But after awhile, one hour to be exact, the numbness was gone and I then I felt normal again.

That's how I am feeling right now. I'm feeling 'normal' again.

God spoke to me a few nights ago about something I thought was already finished because I sacrificed and broke the jar. I was assuming that since it was an 'expensive perfume'...all of my sacrifice had volatilized and joined the wind.

But god said, it's not yet finished.

His words were really striking. I jumped from one book to another, trying to move away from the topic...but believe it or not the more pages I turn the more revelation he gives. What is more surprising was ALL the verses are connected to each other. My heart raced, nervous and confused.

I was telling God, "Lord, I thought we're finished with this, I've given everything, right?"

Then He answered, "Give, and it will be given to you.( Luke 6:38)"

God gave me more verses that night, and I cried and poured out my heart.

The anesthesia was finished.

I know that God is on the move. he's doing something during the days I was under anesthesia. I wasn't reacting because God made me numb and put me in the 'okay mode'.

But now, I am feeling everything. And God knows how nervous I am to be in this situation. I am VERY nervous.

Yesterday, God comforted me with the stories of Abraham, Moses and David. He gave promises to these great men, but what comes in between the promise and fulfilment are reckless decisions and alot of manmade mess. But God's promises are real, and He will finish it. Whatever happens He will make a way to bring me to His promise.

Bcel had a vision two years ago while we were having our discipleship. She saw God painting my life and I was sitting quietly on His side and watching Him put colors on the canvas.

That is what i am planning to do. I will be watching God move His brush and paint my life in the next following days...weeks..years.=)

The excitement in me is building up. And the more I feel God's move, the tighter I hold His hands. We started this together and we will finish this together.

Taking the First Step.

Ive been praying to God on how I could evangelize in the office. I want to share the gospel, start a bible study and even disciple at least one officemate.

It's been three months since I started my work in DIC and still I have no output...spiritually. My BOSS upthere has been reminding me of my 'deadlines' and 'pending works'.

Yesterday, my immediate supervisor (Pastor Brent) met us and reminded us of the second coming of our BOSS. pastor didn't gave the exact date and time, but he said (a couple of times) that we should Keep Watch and Be Alert because the hour is near.

I know that sometimes, I feel lazy to work on the 'projects' and do the 'work' He has called me to do in my office. But yesterday's warning was a big wake up call for me. It was like getting a red alert status from the commander-in-chief.

So last night, while praying for my procedures to do the 'work'...a dusty 2x2 in cube caught my attention. I reached for it and opened the box. It was my 'EVANGECUBE'. A gift I got from one of my YWAM friends in college.

Then slowly I felt the Spirit speaking to my heart.

It is not enough to have a 'good testimony', or to let your 'light shine'... I must take the offensive moves...to speak and declare the good news of salvation...to my lab-mates, officemates and even to my manager.

They too need my sweet Saviour...and I have no right to withheld that blessing.

God is on the move and so must I...

This will be my birthday gift for myself...I don't like clothes or shoes or cellphone...I'd like to have one soul brought to Jesus on or before my birthday.

And that will make my 24th birthday joyful and meaningful...

Yes, it would be joyful...imagine..all the angels will be singing and dancing with me.=)

Our Love Song.

Jam sings to Him..

There is none like You,
No one else can touch my heart like You do,
I can search for all eternity Lord
And find, there is none like You.

There is none like You.
No one else can touch my heart like You do,
I can search for all eternity Lord
And find, there is none like You.

Your mercy flows like a river wide,
And healing comes from Your hand.
Suffering children are safe in Your arms,
There is none like You.
There is none like You, ( There is none like You, Lord)

There is none like You
I can search for all eternity Lord,
There is none like You.
I can search for all eternity Lord,
There is none,( there is none,)
There is none Lord,
There is none like You.

He sings to Jam...

There is none like You,
No one else can touch my heart like You do,
I can search for all eternity long...
And find, there is none like You.

There is none like You.
No one else can touch my heart like You do,
I can search for all eternity long...
And find, there is none like You.

***

This is my favorite love song to my Sweet Saviour.

It is through this song that I felt my heart is so secured in God. I can trust His love for me and that I am His beloved. I feel beautiful everytime I would hear God singing this to me.

Oh how sweet is the love of my saviour to me!

Nothing can compare to His loyalty in loving me.

Amazing!

Lord, there is none like you in my heart...
Iloveyousomuch!

I put my trust in Him.

My heart is the noisiest part of my body. It shouts in the silence of the night and restless in the stillness of thedawn. It's hard to keep it quiet and still. The questions and worrying adds up every minute.

God would always tell me that He is sovereign. I could always TRUST Him.

But honestly, I know that I would always give a half hearted 'YES'answer. I would always keep a little reservation to myself. Probably to protect my heart from disappontment or frustration.

Of course, God is not contented with my answer. He wants my FULL, One-hundred-percent trust. He will not stop convincing me until I'd give it to Him.

A cg-mate once texted me this message:

" ...as I have been with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not fail you nor forsake you." -Joshua 1:5
Risk the trustworthiness of God.

Risk?

Why I am so afraid to risk when it is God who's asking me to trust Him?

Past experiences with people I trusted then betrayed or failed me somehow affects my attitude on trusting God.

But I have A LOT more reasons to trust God. I can trust His character, His power, His love, His heart... and the very fact that He will never lie is enough reason for me to give Him my one hundred percent trust.

This week, God gave me this verse that quieted my heart and placed me in the attitude of Trust.

"for God is greater than our hearts and knows everything" -1 John 3:20

I've read alot of verses that speaks about God being sovereign and trsutworthy. But I guess, there are really some verses that will strike your heart to the core. And this is one of those verses for me.

After reading and meditating it, my heart seems to be so serene. I feel that I am at the feet of Jesus listening to His teachings and just adoring Him for His goodness.

God knows my heart and knows everything. Why will I worry?

God is holding my life...and I am more precious than those lilies! =)

Terimakasih Tuhan.

That means: Thank you Lord!

Out of the many phrases I learned when I was in Indonesia, this is my most favorite,

Terimakasih (Thank you) Tuhan (Lord)!

Yesterday was another treat for a missionary-wannabe like me. We had foreign visitors from ISOT (International School of Theology) to share about their countries' prayer points. There were four representatives from Taiwan, Myanmar, Thailand and Indonesia. (I was actually hoping to that one of them was from Mongolia). They share a brief background about their country and the situation of christianity in their places. After that, they led us in prayer using their native language.

I felt like I was in EARC once again. Praying in different tongues but united in spirit.

I felt a tinge of guilt when the representative from Indonesia was reporting. I remembered my covenant with Nata, my indonesian sister. We promised to pray for each otehr and for our countries. But after I lost my webmail in UP I lost contact with her because she also changed her email and I wasn't able to give my yahoo add.

The last time I heard from her was, she already resigned form her secular job and committed herself as a full time worker in Perkantas (IVCF Indonesia). That was her dream, to reach out the muslim students in her university. (Just like mine...)And during EARC we prayed hard about it. Those were memorable times for me.

I am always affected whenever I hear tragedies or bombings in Indonesia. I remember her, my dear sweet sister Nata. I hope and pray that God will protect and save her from the schemes of the enemy. I don't know if we will see each other again...

But for sure, we'll have a grand reunion up there.

Last night, I learned that I can help in missions not just in financial aspect. I was burdened to have a time of prayer for the warriors in the field. In that way, I can be part of the battle...active participation in mission field. And I know that prayer is the best armor we christians have in claiming one territory after another!

The battle is the Lord's! Our God is mighty!

Let's take part in proclaiming that Jesus is Lord! (And there is no other..)

Where is God When it Hurts?

Your world is dark, safe, secure. You are bathed in warm liquid, cushioned from shock. You do nothing for yourself; you are fed automatically, and a murmuring heartbeat assures you that someone larger than you fills you’re not sure what to wait for, but any change seems far away and scary. You meet no sharp objects, no pain, no threatening adventures. A fine existence.

One day you feel a tug. The walls are falling in on you. Those soft cushions are now pulsing and beating against you, crushing you downwards. Your body is bent double., your limbs twisted and wrenched. You’re falling, upside down. For the first time in your life. you feel pain. You’re in a sea of rolling matter. There is more pressure, almost too intense to bear. Your head is squeezed flat, and you are pushed harder, harder into a dark tunnel. Oh, the pain. Noise. More pressure.

You hurt all over. You hear a groaning sound and an awful, sudden fear rushes in on you. It is happening—your world is collapsing. You’re sure it’s the end. You see a piercing, blinding light. Cold, rough hands pull at you. A painful slap. Waaaaaaaaaaah!

Congratulations! You’ve just been born.

Philip Yancey

----

It was another 'crying night' for me last night. I know God was trying to take me out again of my world. And like leaving teh womb, it seems frightening, portentous, full of pain.

I am just afraid of the unknown. I would rather drop the whole idea than risk and see a bright new world. I am such a whimp.

Last night, I was like a child groaning, sobbing for God's attention. I knew I was trying to convince God to purge everything about the issue. I just can't take the issue any longer. I was battling against myself, my will. But I was losing...its just too intense to bear.

I cried, buckets of tears. And it felt good to cry, to let out all the liquid words.

I know God is birthing something in my character. And I have to endure the this. I know it will take time and it is a painful process. But after awhile, when I see the end of this, I know I will be amazed how clearly things come into focus.

No wonder Jesus reffered to this as being "born again".

A Missionary.

" As my Father hath sent Me, even so send I you." John 20:21

Yesterday, my desire to go to Mongolia was once again triggered because of Dr. Tom Sparrow's preaching on Deutoromy 30:11-20 which focuses on Missions.

This November our church is celebrating its Mission's Month and yesterday's Word was really a good start to make a spark in each believer's heart.

I am so consumed of the desire to preach the gospel, to tell the good news...to give hope to those who are perishing. Just like Jesus, giving what the people really NEED, salvation.

This desire started way back in 2004, when one of my disciple shared that she wants to be a missionary. I was challenged by her boldness to declare such desire because I was really afraid to go out of my comfort zone, church and campus ministry. I thought that those two are enough..I don't really need to be a missionary.

Then, after going to Indonesia for EARC, my eyes was opened to the the world...to the world that needs a Saviour.

Each country shared how they struggle to share Christ, that christianity is still a small percentage in their country, that alot of people are still perishing and dying without knowing Christ...without having a chance to hear the goodnews.

Ftrom there, I know that God has planted a seed in my heart for missions. The Philippines is blessed with alot of workers and believers, and there are still alot of souls waiting to hear the Word, like the country of Mongolia.

I don't know, each time I hear and think of missions, MOngolia would always surface in my mind and spirit.

Someday, if God wills...I will go there and find at least one soul wh's waiting to know christ.

"The great essential of the missionary is that he remains true to the call of God,
and realizes that his one purpose is to disciple men and women to Jesus."
-Utmost For His Highest

Someday...Lord, fan this flame...bring me to where you want me to be.

Sanctuary

by: Michael Alfred Tan
Highbeam

here i am...
still longing for Your promised peace
that surpasses understanding
'cause i need salvation from my despair
i've been carrying my burdens for so long

i awake...
body trembling,
with tears on my pillow
and fear in my heart
'cause i feel
You don't hear my voice anymore

**
don't withhold Your hand,
come quickly Lord,
i need Thee

chorus1:
You are my Sanctuary
my Stronghold, never failing
my Fortress, Deliverer
in You i find my peace...

i guess i may not understand Your answers
for Your ways are higher than mine
and so are Your thoughts..
incomprehensible

**
Lord forgive me for doubting You
come quickly Lord, i need Thee

chorus1chorus2
You are my Sanctuary
my Stronghold, never fading
my Fortress in times of trouble
in You i find my peace..
in You i find my peace... always

***

Dad sang this song last Sunday during the Anniversary concert. I was transported back in time when it ministered to me last year, when I was in Pampanga, distressed with my situtation.

I didn't want to be there. It was beyond my imagination that my first job would be in the province away from my life in Manila. I didn't want to live there either, life there was for me, plain and simpl. Everyday was a struggle to finish the day.

But God gave me this song during one of those crying nights. He taught me His sovereignty over my life. He's my master therefore I should obey (with cheerfulness).

God wanted to saturate me with His presence. He started purging out my pride, my self-sufficiency and everything that keeps me away from His presence. And then He filled me with praises and joy in the quietness of farms and sunsets.

God's sanctuary doesn't just reside in the church nor in the campus ministry that I dearly love,not just with my family or christian friends...

God's sanctuary is in every place He wants me to be...

... in the center of His will.

And that is where I found peace.

***

I was caught by the cords of death; the snares of Sheol had seized me; I felt agony and dread.
Then I called on the name of the LORD, "O LORD, save my life!"
Gracious is the LORD and just; yes, our God is merciful.
The LORD protects the simple; I was helpless, but God saved me.

Return, my soul, to your rest; the LORD has been good to you.

For my soul has been freed from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.
I shall walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

Psalm 116:2-3

Alabaster Jar.

"Now when Jesus was in Bethany in the house of Simon the leper,
a woman came up to him with an alabaster jar of costly perfumed oil, and poured it on his head while he was reclining at table.
When the disciples saw this, they were indignant and said, "Why this waste?
It could have been sold for much, and the money given to the poor."

Since Jesus knew this, he said to them, "Why do you make trouble for the woman?

She has done a good thing for me."

Matthew 26:7-10

***

If I remembered it right, it was the last week of August when God gave me this passage on 'Alabaster Jar'. It was during those times that I was asking alot of questions to God about a certain issue. I was struggling to be still and I was demanding God to give me a clear and solid instruction because I couldn't stay in the situation any longer.

But instead of answering me, He gave me Mary's story of extravagant worship.

My first reaction was,

"Lord, do you want me to offer something that is expensive and precious?"

I knew in my heart where God was leading me. Or should I say, I knew what was the 'expensive and precious' thing that He wanted.

It was him. A very precious person in my life.

Two years ago, God asked me to start praying for him. I was not sure if it will lead to something romantic or God just wanted me to be his prayer support. I wasn't really sure, but still I obeyed.

I prayed for him regularly. He doesn't know about this and I don't have any plans of telling him. Eventhough my prayers were somehow the same prayers i have for my other friends, his became special.

And the more I prayed, the more I invested affections.

And now, after two long years, God wanted me to offer all these, all my prayers and hopes that sprang up from this.

It crushed me. I was confused.

He placed me here and now he wanted me out. Just like that. No explanation.

After meditating the story of Mary and the Alabaster Jar, I realized what real worship is...

To hold everything loosely and worship God in every way possible.

God wanted to see if I was willing to give Him the most extravagant worship I could offer...

My prayers, affection and love for him...and even my desire to be with him in the future.

I thought I couldn't do it. It was just beyond my wisdom how I could show my extravangant worship without being bitter about the whole situation.

But God made me understand that my focus turned to promise and not to the Promise-giver. My attitude changed from trusting to complaining.

That's why He's asking this offering, because more than anything, He wants me back in His arms.

So just recently, I broke my Alabaster Jar of Prayers and Affection.

And yes, I cried at His feet whem I did this. Not because it was painful, but because I realized I love my Saviour more than anything...and I was very sorry for not showing this for the longest time.

To end, I did not gave him up, I gave him to the Lord.

Deep Dark Secret.

My heart is breaking right now.

I just learned a deep-dark secret that really broke my heart to pieces. I feel betrayed that for so many years I thought I knew everything about my friend, and that we are together in bringing the gospel to our other friends because we were both christian in the group.

But after knowing everything (I hope it's everything), the reality of the situation came to light. The reasons why I was having a hard time penetrating our group was because her testimony in the group was tainted. So tainted that even I can't believe it was real.

I can't put on the details here. Because I love her, and if ever she'll hop in here I want her to know that I love her no matter what.

Lord, I really don't know how to react in this situation, I want to show her that my love and understanding is real. But I also want to show her the consequences of what happened and that you are just and the reality of your wrath.

I feel for her, so much that I my heart aches every time I remember her.I don't know what to do God.

How will I show my deep concern?

How will I extend grace? When I feel right now is betrayal and deception?

Lord, please help me.

Show me the way to her heart, again.

Let my love for her be an overflow of your love. God...help.

***

"Be merciful, just as (also) your Father is merciful. "
Luke 6:36

(October 29.Sunday.)

For a start.

This will be a journal of a young girl who dreams of going to Mongolia for missions..

and a lot more doodles on her daily quest to be in the presence of the Almighty...

a blog, written and made as a form of worship to her Saviour.

I guess, that will be it for now.

Glory to His Majesty!