Beloved.

When I was eight years old, I wanted to be a super model.

No kidding. I shared that dream with my two other playmates. We usually spent afternoons dressing up and modeling in front of the mirror. Our catwalk was the aisle between the bed and the wall and our center stage was the window seat.

That was my young heart's dream. And that time, I believed with all my heart that I was the most beautiful girl and I will be a supermodel.

But after moving to another house and leaving my two playmates, that dream started to fade away...until totally forgotten.

After moving to our new house, just 3 streets away from the old, my life changed drastically. (Of course, from a eight-year-old point of view.) I didn't have playmates who wanted to be a supermodel. They all wanted to do traps to kill the boys. The girls in the neighborhood hated the boys so much that they usually spent the afternoon planning traps for the boys.

I stopped dreaming to be a supermodel, instead I became one tough girl who fights with the bad boys.

But still I wanted to be a model...to feel beautiful.

In between that young girl's dream and today came a whirlwind of good and bad experiences that made me forget that I wanted to be a model and worse, that I am beautiful.

I had experiences that pierced some arrows in my heart, some are easy to take out but others are deeply rooted. It wounded my femininity.

I thought that I would protect my heart if I'll be boyish and carefree. And today, I found my heart, walled, protected and hard.

***

Lately, God has been pursuing me... He wants to win my heart. He wants to be the lover of my soul. He wants to penetrate the deepest part of my heart.

I was stunned when I first realized that God was pursuing me...

First, I am not used to God as my Lover. He is my Master. He is my Friend. He is my Lord. But to be my Lover? How?

"I slept but my heart was awake,
Listen! My lover is knocking:
'Open to me, my sister, my darling,
my dove, my flawless one..."
-Beloved,Song of Songs 5:2

I've never been involved in a serious relationship, although I've experienced to be courted...but I've protected myself from these things long ago, cause I don't want to be hurt.

And allowing God to be my Lover means making myself, my heart in particular, to be vulnerable...

He's pursuing me! Knocking at my heart. He wants me....

That's overwhelming to know. And even more overwhelming to feel and see how He's making me feel special and beautiful.

One time, I was jogging at the track oval, when I ask God to give me some sprinkles, I want to feel His love at that moment. I was looking at the sky when suddenly, I saw a beautiful fireworks that lasted for 3 minutes. It was awesome. It was beautiful. Just like His love. Awesome, wonderful and beautiful.

I am God's Beloved. I am His princess. His desire is for me.

God is restoring my heart. Healing me from my past wounds and taking away the fears I have in loving unconditionally.

Somehow, I realized that only in learning God's perfect Love will I be able to Love other people, perfectly and unconditionally.

And as for my 'Beauty' issue...it's now a thing of the past. I am putting an end to all the lies that the enemy has placed in my mind, distorting my self-esteem and how I perceive my self. I am beautiful and wonderfully made. =)

I am His Princess. An Heiress of His Great Kingdom!

As for now, I am a princess in disguise since I am still awaiting the return of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!

"Whatever comes, cannot alter one thing. If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. It would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in a cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it."
-Sara, A Little Princess